Neat insanity inside my mind

What is madness anyway? I had Teachers whom use to tell me that all the time when they read my short stories. “You’re mad, this would never happen!” Or “This is so stupid.” The people who are in charge of inspiring and nurturing my brain were the ones who put me down. There were two teachers however, two that encouraged, pushed and challenged me. So when I said they told me I was mad one of those teachers smiled and asked me.

“Orlando, what is the difference between madness and genius?” I had no answer and so this teacher smiled and answered.

            “Success.”

            So as I lay awake at night, thinking about all the things that bother me, that question & others seep out of my mind. What is madness anyway? Am I mad? If I wanted to, could I look into my own mind and see if I am in fact crazy?  What’s inside the head of a writer or rather, inside the head of this writer?

            So I separated myself, placed a mask on a fictional persona I’ve named David and granted him an all access pass to the inner recesses of my mind.

            If I am mad or crazy or even insane! Surely, David, would find out.

            It’s dark all around him and then in the blink of an eye there is a single light in the distance that illuminates an aging door. The moment David takes a step the door moves back, a fail safe to protect what is mine. David has been given full access and so his next step allows him to reach the door without further delay. Easy, too easy?

            The door opens before he can place his hand on the knob, not that there is one, and he walks into a blinding light into a well lit hallway. The hallway goes on for an eternity with different style doors on either side. Could this be madness? A hallway that extends into the furthest reaches into infinity with different styled doorways that most likely extend into more never ending hallways?

            David turns to look back at the door he used to enter and it’s gone, another never ending hallway in its place. He’s scared, I can tell because he’s a part of me and now he’s a part of you. He takes another step, fighting the fear, using it, molding it into strength because that’s what I do every day. The first door is encased in ice, it’s labeled “Happy place” above the door. How can a door encased in ice be a happy place. There’s a knob so he twists and the door slowly opens to an arctic cave. There are lavender scented penguins with scarf’s walking around talking to one another in English, with the exception of two. One  has a French accent and the other with a British accent holding a cup of tea and wearing a monocle.

            It’s funny. David laughs, but it catches their attention. The French and British penguins waddle toward David shaking their heads.

            “I say, Dear Boy, you’re not supposed to be here.” The British Penguin says. David has no words, what does one say to a lavender scented Penguin wearing a scarf and a monocle?

            “If you chose to stay, Mon Ami, I suggest you slide with us.” The French Penguin says. David steps back into the hallway and closes the door. Shaking off what he saw behind my “Happy Place” door David walks to the opposite door. This one is covered in broken objects no longer discernible. He opens the door and sees my mother in the dining room throwing a glass vase at my head. I’m seven years old and I’m using the furniture to block what she throws.

            “Do you know what you’ve done!” she screams at the top of her lungs. But I didn't do anything. “You crazy Puerto Rican!” My mother is furious and because I’m not showing any emotion it makes her even angrier. How could I? I was too busy pretending I was Indiana Jones trying to escape a rolling ball in this dining room that’s become my temple of doom. David closes the door, least he be her next victim.

            He walks to the next door on his right. A warm door, bathed in soft sun light with a sea shell on the door. “Happy place” is above the door. David shakes his head as he opens the door and looks out onto a beautiful beach with a crystal clear ocean in the distance. The sky is split in two, one of bright sun and the other a gorgeous night with bright stars and meteors flying past.

            He wonders where the penguins are. There are none here but there is a Lion, not unlike the one in The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. He looks at David and smiles before resting near the tide, the protector of my happy place. David leaves and walks to the next door. This one is labeled “Those let down” above the door.  This door looks sad, it’s wooden exterior unpolished and splintered. Opening the door there is a line of people that seems to go on forever.

            On the right there are ladies and on the left are men. Each one looks sad, some angry others expressionless. David looks to the first girl on his right and she turns to him.

            “My name is Jane, you promised you’d always be there and protect me. I died in an alley pushing you out the way of a bullet. I died Orlando Santiago Jr. I died doing what you promised to do.” She turns her head and looks away from David.  Opposite her is a man who looks at David.

            “My name is Marco, you said we’d be best friends forever. You turned your back on me when I joined a gang. When I was in trouble you tried to be a hero and now I’m in hiding somewhere in the world. Had you helped me before maybe we’d still be friends.”

            It’s sad in this place, David feels it but the next woman grabs his attention.

            “My name is Rose. You swore you’d protect me. You gave me your word you’d be there for me. Where were you when I needed you? “

            David tries to turn around when he’s grabbed by a man I both fear and hate.

            “My name is Devon. You could have helped me but instead you chose to kill me. You killed me Orlando Santiago Jr. and I will get my payback.” David can see the evil in his eyes, hear the lies from his mouth as he pulls away. More and more people want to tell their story, explain their grief but David can’t take the overwhelming sorrow and shuts the door closed.

            So far that room was pure madness. The next door reads “Books Written” David enters and sees a room full of characters. Each one looks like they belong in a comic book or movie theater. Some tall, some alien, some short and others as human looking as anyone you’d see walking on the street. They yell out the titles to the story which they belong to, they yell it proudly because they were given life through the pages they were written on, birthed by the imagination in us all. The room is overflowing with people so David closes the door.

            The door across from it reads “Stories unfinished” When the door opens, David can see a room twice as big characters similar to the previous room except they look sad, waiting for their chance to come to life. David closes the door, fearful they may start talking like one of the other rooms. David walks to another room and sees “People I trust” Written above the white door. Opening the door he sees only a handful of people.

            They sit at a circular table laughing and playing dominoes  David sees my father, my wife, Maryam, a stuffed bear and Pastor Jeff. David wonders why there is a stuffed bear playing dominoes but thinks it’s best to close the door. Continuing on David sees room after room but stops at a door that reads “Closest Friends.” Opening the door he sees a party going on. In here there are only a few people. He sees Joe, Tony, Noel and Sean. They have drinks in their hands and they’re telling stories around a bon fire. But there are two seats missing, One is labeled Brandon the other labeled Vince. David is confused because whomever they were they are gone and no doubt occupy a room all their own. David closes the door and continues down the hall room after room after room until he comes to the end of the never ending hallway. The door is black and there is no label above the door. The handle is gone and there is a sign that reads “Keep out” nailed in the center of the door.

            David is to have complete access and yet this door is off limits? Could this be where the true madness of my mind is, or is there something I’m protecting? Perhaps I’m hiding something from you or worse yet something I’m hiding from myself. I’ve given David free reign, should he choose he can turn and walk away. I hope he does.

            He doesn’t.

            David knocks on the door, curiosity getting the better of him.

Slowly the door opens and much to David’s surprise he sees a five year old ME.

            “You’re not supposed to be here.” Little Me says to David.

            “I’ve come to see if Orlando has gone mad.” David says.

            “What do you think?” Little Me asks.

            “I saw some really funny rooms and some really sad ones.” David says. “But I don’t think he’s insane.”

            “He is.” Little Me answers softly. “Because he let you inside.” David smiles, he laughs and then he notices the door behind Little Me open completely. Inside he sees two little girls sitting on a plush carpet playing.

            “What is that room?” David asks

            “What he protects with every fiber of his being.” Little Me says. “The sad things in those rooms he will endure over and over and over again. He will use the pain and sorrow and failures to his advantage as he’s always done and protect what’s behind this door.”

            “That’s not crazy.” David says. “That’s not madness.” 

Little Me shakes his head.

            “Says the projected self image sent to see if there is madness inside his own head.”

            “So Orlando is insane, creating someone to see if he’s right in the head.”  David says.

            “It’s a fine line between madness and genius and you can only tell one from the other through success.” Little Me says stepping to the side.

            “Did Orlando succeed?” David asks.

            “He’s lost score with those he’s helped and saved, but keeps a close score on those he let down. At the end of the day the end result is those two I’m playing with right now.” Little Me says.

            “So what happens now?” David asks unsure of Little Me’s answer. Little Me takes David by the hand.

            “We eat Oreos and play with Legos.” Little Me says leading David into the room and closing the door. Is that Madness? I think to myself before hearing the sounds of Leyla and Liany crying in the middle of the night, waking me from this dream. Was it a dream, was it madness or was it a successful experiment to prove I’m something other than what I project to be.